My [30M] parents are going to erase me from the family if I don't break up with with my gf [30F]. Considering eloping.

2022.01.26 22:31 Strict-Guava493 My [30M] parents are going to erase me from the family if I don't break up with with my gf [30F]. Considering eloping.

Hi /relationship_advice. This is a bit of a long post, so thanks in advance.
My girlfriend [30F] and I [30M] have been together for over a year now, with the intention to marry in the next year or so. I'm ABC [American-born Chinese], she is from Malaysia with a green card. My extremely culturally conservative parents are fuming over my relationship.
 
My Chinese parents worked 14-7-365 from poverty in China to being very well-off now. Because of their struggle, they value money as sole hallmark of success, more important than anything else in the world.
 
My parents argue that:

 
About [1]:
This point particularly angers my parents because in my culture, sons are supposed to take care of their own parents. My parents view my girlfriend's parents living with us as giving their son away to someone else's parents, which is tantamount to disownment. In their minds, I should be living with them, and taking care of them in their old age, not anyone else.
 
About [2]:
I have an uncle who married an exchange student [also green card] out of love. My parents don't look fondly of him, considering he was also ostracized by the family and constantly works over-time to send their one kid to college, all while paying all of the above. They believe that he is whipped because of the point below:
 
About [1], [2], and [3]:
The reason the above points are unacceptable to my parents is because of flight risk. They think that my girlfriend's family has extreme asymmetrical leverage on me, because if I don't bend over backwards to fulfill their future demands, then they can just weaponize divorce and physically whisk [read: kidnap] our children away to Malaysia, where I will never be able to locate them. Malaysia currently does not have a Hague Convention agreement with the US. I am told this happens more often that you'd think.
 
My parents are consumed with the notion that my wife will eventually blackmail me with ultimatums between onerous financial servitude to her family or kidnapping. My parents have decided to say that since I'm going to be forced between hard choices in the future, they're going to force one on me first, saying 'it will happen eventually anyway'.
 
Thus their ultimatum:
  1. Either I break up with my girlfriend, live with my parents forever, and inherit the family business [they see all of the above as a no-brainer], OR:
  2. I refuse to break up [with the goal of marrying my girlfriend in the future], and disowned and kicked out of the family, full-stop.
 
They made it clear they are firm with no in-between. I don't think they are bluffing.
 
I'm in a VHCOL area, so I'm living with my parents at the moment. Here's the twist. With my W2, I'm generally financially able to support myself, but I'm also financially involved [read: tangled] in my parents' company. There is a rather large loan in me and my parents' name, but they are the ones fully paying it right now. Since all of our names are on it together, if you ask a credit bureau, I believe I'm on the hook if they don't pay. Since I am more financially vulnerable than they are, I don't know if they will weaponize defaulting to get me to yield. They are giving me my free choice between options 1 and 2, although I am not sure if they will renege on this.
 
I got financially involved because pooling together resources is a common aspect of my culture, and unfortunately so is filial piety. Well, what's done is done.
 
Up until this point, they've treated me well enough, but they've made it clear that marrying 'wrongly' is not something they will tolerate, since it jeopardizes their financials, the utmost security of which is more important to them than one person being erased from the family. [They've done it before, to my aunt. I have one sibling who is very obedient to them – they will be their backup plan.]
 
My parents worked tooth and nail for 50 years with hardly a single day off for their fortune in the US, escaping rural China which had no food or running water, so they're very cold-blooded about money. I worked two F&B jobs to pay for my own education, so I'm empathetic on constant stress and destitution changing the way you see the world.
 
I don't deny the logic of their points when they say that assessed up-side is limited and not worth the astronomical down-side risk.
 
The consequences of staying and acquiescing to their demands is that I know I'll feel wretched for not standing up for myself and my partner. Maybe I'll resent them forever for breaking us up, maybe I won't. But it will definitely teach them that emotional terrorism is reliable beat-stick when they don't get their way.
 
The consequences of leaving are also very real. My girlfriend barely has any family except her parents in Malaysia. If I get erased from my family, then I won't have any on my side. My children will never know their own grandparents. They will have no aunts, uncles, or cousins on either side. There will be no familial support of any kind. Furthermore, if this relationship doesn't work out for any reason whatsoever, I won't be able to go back.
 
I've tried my best to be the bridge between everyone. I've argued for countless nights, tried to negotiate and compromise countless more, but to no avail. My parents don't want to hear it, and they don't want to give her even the slightest chance. My girlfriend has tried to assuage my parents' fears continuously, also to no avail.
 
To be frank, this is the best relationship I've ever had. It's caring, honest, communicative, and although we have our individual differences, we've both made it work through together so far. We talk about what troubles us, we explore different sides of our creativity, we encourage each other, we actively work on improving ourselves.
 
A part of me wants to leave and live my own life. A part of me wants to find a way to make everyone come together, even though I know that ship has long sailed. A part of me thinks it's all naive. If I were half my age, I would've been out the door at the drop of a hat. Now that I'm 30, I find myself torn between the complexities and obligations of family and the permanence of life-changing decisions that might span generations.
 
I feel completely lost, and I don't know what to do anymore, or even how to make the first step in any direction. I would greatly appreciate some advice Reddit. Thanks in advance.
 
tl;dr: Parents giving me an ultimatum. Either break up and live with my parents forever, or elope and be without any family forever.
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2022.01.26 22:31 gbennett7713 [WTS] PCGS Graded Pre-33 Gold, CC Morgan Dollars incl KEY DATES, silver below spot

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